Or: I Hate Dehydrated Limes and You Can Too
I’ve had a love / hate relationship with cocktail garnishes for most of my career.
I have a vivid memory of sitting at a bar with a pal, having ordered a daiquiri, which came in a coupe and garnished with a lime wheel mounted on the side of the glass. As I took a sip, the wheel slid down the side of the glass, and into my nose, prompting me to remove it and leave it on my bev nap, coining the term “napkin garnish” for anything that’s going to be immediately removed from the glass.
With a handful of exceptions, we don’t garnish at the bars I run. On the occasions that we do, the garnish has to meet at least two of the following three criteria – looks good, smells good, tastes good.
Here are a few common garnishes and how I rate them in terms of legitimacy and necessity. As a disclaimer, if you like garnishes, I love that for you. Drink what you like, how you like it. Disclaimer two: Tropical drinks are excepted from all garnish hate, except for little plastic things that go in a landfill.
Citrus Wedges: Sometimes
Wedges of citrus live in an interesting space. In a drink like a rum and coke or a gin and tonic, I’m inclined to argue they’re almost an ingredient, albeit an optional one. A lime wedge on the side of a cocktail that already includes lime juice in the build is, to me, ridiculous. Hopefully you or your bartender put the right amount of lime juice in the drink to make it balanced – why would you then give an option to add an eighth (sometimes up to a quarter) of an ounce of juice to the drink and screw it up?
Fresh Citrus Wheels: Almost Never
Harder to extract the juice from a citrus wheel for sure, and they look nice (and add a little flavor) in a Pimm’s Cup, but seem wasteful in general.
Dehydrated Citrus Wheels: Wastes of Time, Energy, Labor, Fruit
Dehydrated lime wheels are absolutely my least favorite garnish in the entire world of drink. Edible orchids, though dumb, are at least serving the original purpose of an orchid: look like a pretty flower. Dehydrated citrus wheels are a waste of limes’ potential – that could have been a Margarita! They consume unnecessary labor and power, they don’t taste good or smell like anything.
Herbs: Often Necessary
A Mojito without a mint sprig is a bird without a song – herbs carry tons of aroma and (as reflected in my post about the Mojito) contribute to the enjoyment of a drink without the risk of polyphenols turning your cocktail brown and muddy, they get a pass.
Citrus Twists: Valuable, but Discard in Up Drinks
Citrus oils add valuable flavor and aroma to a drink, and my bars absolutely leave the twist in any drink that’s served on the rocks – but please express and discard for my martini.
Cherries: It’s Complicated
There’s a great article by the prolific Aaron Goldfarb about cherries in drinks, and I agree with almost all of it. Luxardo cherries are delicious, sure. They also cost your bar about $.36 a piece. On a 20% bar margin (which is high, depending on who you ask) that means the bar needs to charge you almost $2 to justify a single cherry in your Old Fashioned or Last Word. Are you willing to shell out a couple extra bucks for your Manhattan, Extra Extra Cherries? Then knock yourself out, we keep a jar around, but in the case of the Neat Bird Old Fashioned in particular, we’d rather be able to offer it for $6 on happy hour.
Savory Snacks: Necessary Evil, but Don’t Make it Weird
I love a gin martini. I prefer mine with two olives and a twist. I’ll enjoy a Gibson here and there as well, in which a cocktail onion is crucial. Any snacky garnish served for an up drink should, I strongly believe, be skewered on a cocktail pick for ease of retrieval, and to add to the requirement of looking good.
Your “extra olives” order, however, can kick rocks. If you’re hungry, get a snack. You like blue cheese stuffed olives? Learn to make martinis at home, and stuff them yourself.
I recall a particularly funny instance where a chef / owner was insistent on having blue cheese olives available for guests. We arrived at the compromise that, since the salad station already had blue cheese and castelvetrano olive on the station, they could be assembled to order there to make sure the guest was getting a quality product (I do believe in making things nice even if I think they’re dumb and gross).
This was given up after 2 shifts.
Seasonal Fruits: Decidedly Fuck-withable
One of the best things about living in Virginia is the bounty of produce we get here. Apples, berries, some of the most unbelievable watermelons (check out the work Deb and Josh are doing in that field) just BEG to be put into cocktails. This is probably the only time I’m ever thrilled to put a garnish on a drink – providing a taste of an heirloom watermelon, a perfectly fresh berry, or an Ashmead’s Kernel apple alongside the finished product is a joy.
Did I miss your favorite garnish? Do you feel like making a case for any of these? Slide in the comments, let’s slug it out.